It can be hard to find the right words when someone you know and love tells you they’ve been diagnosed with lung cancer. This is especially true with this disease, given it is often, though not always, associated with lifestyle factors — smoking in particular.

Taylor Duck, a former soccer player who was diagnosed with lung cancer 14 years ago, when she was just 21, says she’s heard them all.

“There is immediate blame and shame, instead of the care and compassion that every other cancer survivor receives when they share their diagnosis,” Duck says.

Here’s what Duck says you shouldn’t say to someone with lung cancer.

1. ‘Do You Smoke?’

“When someone asks me this after I tell them I’m a lung cancer survivor, my response is always, ‘Why do you ask? Would that make you care less?’” Duck says. “I’m sure it’s shocking to them when I respond that way, but that’s my goal. I want to stop them in their tracks to make them realize how insensitive that question is, so that hopefully they will never ask [it] again to anyone else.”

2. ‘How Did You Get It?’

Sometimes, after someone asked Duck if she smoked and she told them no, they would ask how she got lung cancer. Like the smoking remarks, this question suggests the person did something to bring on the cancer. “It always blows my mind,” Duck explains, “because no one asks a breast cancer survivor how they got their breast cancer.” There are many risk factors for lung cancer that can’t be controlled, such as a family history or exposure to secondhand smoke, radon, or air pollution.

3. ‘I Knew Someone Who Died of Lung Cancer.’

A negative outcome experienced by someone with lung cancer is not what a newly diagnosed person — or even a survivor — wants or needs to hear. “The intent is usually to try to make a connection, but people sharing about friends and family they used to know who died of the disease does not help make a connection. It scares people,” Duck says.

4. ‘My ______ Had Lung Cancer.’

An overly optimistic take on someone else’s lung cancer experience can backfire as well. “Even if your account does have a happy ending, the person might draw comparisons and wonder why they aren’t experiencing the same results,” says Duck.

5. ‘I Heard About a Natural Remedy.’

“Keep any and all medical advice to yourself, unless you have credible information and knowledge that may help the patient thrive,” Duck says.

What Should You Say to Someone Who Has Lung Cancer?

Often, nothing. Simply listening is an overlooked response and one that many patients crave, says Duck. You don’t have to give advice, criticize, or fix things, Duck notes. Just being present and listening can be a powerful form of support.

Here are some comments that people may want to hear.

1. ‘I’m Sorry You’re Going Through This.’

A sincere statement of empathy is always welcome, even if it’s brief.

2. ‘How Are You Feeling?’ or ‘How Are Things Going Today?’

Open-ended questions like these provide an opportunity for the person to talk if they feel like it — and for you to listen.

3. ‘Can I Help You With ______?’

If you’d like to help with household chores or everyday tasks, be specific about your offer. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the onus on them to ask or to come up with an idea, try something like, “Can I come over on Thursday and bring you groceries?”

4. ‘I Don’t Know What to Say.’

It’s okay to be honest if you’re at a loss for words. Your candidness and sincerity will most likely be refreshing, and a shared moment of silence could be just what your friend or loved one needs.

The Takeaway

• Those with lung cancer face increased stigma and prejudice because of the disease’s association with smoking.
• There are many risk factors for lung cancer, most of which can’t be controlled.
• Drawing comparisons between people with lung cancer or offering unsolicited medical advice should be avoided.
• Aim to listen to your loved one and offer to help them with specific tasks to help reduce their burden.