When I met my boyfriend, I was drawn to relationship anarchy and the notion of loving without expectations or ownership. He was exploring the freedom of polyamory. We began our relationship exclusively, but we spoke about whether our connection could transition to something more non-traditional. 

My story with my partner is one of many stories of how ethical non-monogamy gets introduced into a relationship. For some couples, it’s a shared value and a journey towards expansive love. For others, it might emerge as a reaction to misalignment, restlessness, dissatisfaction, or an unspoken need. 

When practiced with care, non-monogamy can be a beautiful, generous way to love. But as you begin to figure out if it’s right for you, it can also open up a painful question: Is my partner truly non-monogamous, or are they just looking for permission to cheat?

Defining ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’

Let’s talk about what ethical non-monogamy actually means. Ethical non-monogamy is the practice of being romantically involved with multiple people at the same time—with everyone’s knowledge, consent, and agreement.  A study reports that 3-7% of American adults are in a consensual non-monogamous relationship, and up to 25% of people have had experiences with non-monogamy. 

According to Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a relationship expert at the dating app Hily, the benefits of non-monogamy include the freedom to connect with others openly, experience variety, fulfill diverse needs, explore sexuality, create a chosen family, or cultivate a broader support network. 

What makes non-monogamy ethical are the values of radical communication, authenticity, honesty, respect, and a reverence for everyone’s evolving needs and emotional well-being. Non-monogamy isn’t just about having more sex with many partners, it’s about honoring one’s relational orientation for a wider range of intimacy.

The Difference Between Non-Monogamy and Cheating 

Clinical psychologist Dr. Holly Batchelder, PhD, notes non-monogamy can be a part of someone’s core identity, similar to monogamy. “If it’s something you’ve felt drawn to across relationships, not just situationally, that can be a clue it’s more of an orientation. That said, it’s also very common for couples to question monogamy at different life stages, especially after big transitions like becoming parents, hitting a rut, or doing deeper emotional work. The important part is how the conversation is handled, not whether the idea sticks.”

In both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, cheating happens when a covenant is broken without consent and discussion. Maybe it was escalated physical intimacy or emotional closeness intensified in secret. Whatever the betrayal was, the partner was unaware.

Paradoxically, non-monogamy can have more “rules” than monogamy because you create the boundaries unique to you and your relationship. The agreements are made consciously and are constantly being expressed and reassessed for truth. When practiced with care, there is no pushing, exclusion, coercion, pressure, or deceit.

“A person who is interested in exploring a non-monogamous relationship is willing to put the work and effort into discussing healthy boundaries, evolving guidelines, as well as wanting to engage in open conversation,” says Cohen. If someone simply shares they want to open up the relationship without engaging in conversation or investigating the potential benefits and drawbacks, take note. 

To make the most grounded decision, Cohen recommends self-reflection, working with a therapist to process emotions, and reaching out to friends or stories online who have gone through similar experiences. 

Signs Non-Monogamy Is Being Used to Cover Up Cheating 

Non-monogamy is not cheating with a permission slip. Cheating is a non-consensual betrayal of trust, breaking the rules of the relationship—while ethical non-monogamy is a collaborative agreement rooted in shared understanding.

Below are some red flags that non-monogamy is being used as an excuse for someone to cheat openly:

• Repeated violations of agreed-upon boundaries
• Conversations around boundaries don’t feel open, collaborative, or mutual
• One of the partners is regularly pushed past their comfort zone 
• Certain desires are presented as non-negotiable, even if one partner disagrees 
• There’s resistance or avoidance to vulnerable conversations 
• One of the partners can’t explain the why behind their actions and motivations
• Continued secrecy rather than transparency 
• Conversations around needs are being minimized, deprioritized, and dismissed 
• Feelings and thoughts are suppressed to keep the peace
• One partner’s freedom is being prioritized at the cost of the relationship
• One or both partners feel erased and not expanded
• The relationship feels more like a performance, not a partnership

Non-Monogamy or Emotional Avoidance? 

In couples therapy, Batchelder says many people question whether non-monogamy is a form of cheating. “The biggest difference usually lies in motivation and emotional accountability. Someone who’s genuinely non-monogamous tends to be transparent, values open communication, and wants to build trust even when it’s hard,” she says. 

She emphasizes that ethical non-monogamy isn’t about getting away with more. It’s about being honest and attuned. “If it feels more like they’re avoiding emotional intimacy, dodging responsibility, or asking for freedom without offering the same respect and care back, that’s a red flag.”

Cohen adds that another key distinction is both partners’ willingness to engage in conversations about healthy relationships and healthy boundaries without emotionally withdrawing. “Having these conversations requires a great deal of self-awareness and emotional maturity,” she explains. “If a person is looking to be less transparent, shut down communication, or withhold information, it may be a sign that they are opening the relationship for other reasons, which may include a get-out-of-jail free card.” 

Is Non-Monogamy Right For Your Relationship?

In my relationship coaching, I often work with individuals who have been asked to open up a relationship after they’ve already been monogamous. When it’s presented as a non-negotiable, some want to quickly adapt to please their partner. But before moving forward, I invite them to slow down and get aligned about what feels right for them. 

Before saying yes to non-monogamy, it’s important to know what you want independent of your partner. Does this relationship paradigm align with your ultimate happiness? Do you feel compersion imagining your partner with someone else? Is non-monogamy a genuine orientation of yours? Is this a fulfilling lifestyle you would like to experience? 

“Start with curiosity, not conclusions. ‘I’m wondering how you feel about’ goes further than ‘we need to decide now.’ It’s also okay for people to change over time,” Batchelder advises. “Agreements are not one-and-done—they need to be revisited as life shifts. If one person’s no longer comfortable, that matters. The goal isn’t to win or prove a point, but to stay emotionally connected and honest, even when it’s hard.”

I love that advice. I am a firm believer that one of the beautiful aspects of partnership is being able to share the messy, unsaid, and vulnerable parts of our truth with our beloved. Being completely witnessed in all states with unconditional positive regard can be transformative. Tolerating the discomfort of uncertainty may not be easy, but it’s at those edges where real intimacy begins. 

What If One Of Us Isn’t Non-Monogamous? 

In certain communities, there’s a mindset that non-monogamy is a modern, expansive, and liberating way to love. But that doesn’t mean you’re outdated or regressive if you prefer something more traditional. There’s no need for judgment on either side. The goal is for both of you to be in a relationship that feels whole and authentic. 

Have the hard yet essential conversation about what non-monogamy means. What rules, boundaries, and trust do you need to build for safety? If you decide an open relationship is not for you, don’t do it.

If you’re not sure if you’re pushing yourself too far off the ledge or compromising a core need for the sake of your relationship, Batchelder suggests checking in with your body. 

“Healthy flexibility feels like growth; it might be uncomfortable, but it is still aligned. Compromising a core need feels like you’re disappearing. If you’re constantly overriding your instincts, feeling anxious, resentful, or small, that’s information,” she says. “I often ask: Am I expanding here or shrinking? Is this stretch helping me grow, or is it costing me my sense of self? Your body often knows before your mind does.”

Keep in Mind

In my relationship, we chose monogamy. But to arrive there, we sat with the possibilities of other relationship structures that didn’t quite fit the shape of our connection. The process was thoughtful, yet clumsy. Painful, yet boundless. Ultimately, monogamy felt like the most honest container for the intimacy and life we want to build. 

Every relationship will land somewhere on the spectrum. Whatever kind of relationship you choose, look for the one where you feel uniquely met, seen, and safe. 

Batchelder concludes, “Whether you’re monogamous or not, these conversations are about trust, safety, and being brave enough to tell the truth, to yourself and to each other.”