We think we know our parents, but how much do we know about what their lives were like before we came along? How well do we really know them, beyond their roles as “Mom” or “Dad”? The truth is, they’re not just our parents; they’re also people. People with stories we’ve never heard, feelings they’ve never shared, and memories we weren’t part of. Being a parent is just one dimension of their identity.

Sure, we might know their favorite color or how they take their coffee, but what about their biggest regrets? Their proudest moments? The things they wish they’d done differently?

“As we grow up, it’s important that we connect with our parents as adults and have conversations as equals,” says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.

“Psychologically, this requires a shift from seeing our parents as static roles, like ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad,’ to dynamic, evolving individuals,” says Nigel Lester, MD, a psychiatrist and Director of Mental Health at PALM Health.

If you’re curious about the people your parents were before you entered the picture and what they’re like outside their parental roles now, it’s important to ask them the right questions to bring you closer. Here are some to get you started:

Questions About Childhood

1. What’s your earliest memory as a kid?
2. What’s a memory from your childhood that still makes you smile?
3. What books/movies/music did you like when you were young?
4. What were your parents like when you were a child?
5. Did you have a relationship with your grandparents?
6. What was school like for you?
7. Who was your best friend?
8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
9. What were you like as a teenager?
10. Did you ever break the rules as a kid? What did you get in trouble for?

Questions About Love

1. Who was your first crush, and what happened?
2. Did you date anyone before [Mom/Dad]?
3. What did you first notice about [Mom/Dad] when you met them?
4. Who asked whom out?
5. When did you know they were the one for you?
6. What was your wedding day like?
7. What’s your favorite memory of [Mom/Dad]?
8. Were you both on the same page about having kids?
9. What are some of the challenges you’ve faced in your relationship with [Mom/Dad]?
10. What has your biggest fight with [Mom/Dad] been about?

Questions About Life

1. What did you think your life would look like at this age?
2. What’s one piece of advice you would give your younger self?
3. What’s something new you’ve learned about yourself as you’ve gotten older?
4. What do you worry about most these days?
5. What brings you the most joy or peace these days?
6. What’s something you’ve always dreamed of doing but haven’t (yet)?
7. What was the biggest challenge you faced in your life that you ultimately overcame?
8. Is there anything you wish you had done differently in your life, or a path you wish you had taken?
9. What life lessons did you learn the hard way?
10. How do you want to spend your next few years?

Questions About Work

1. What was your very first job?
2. Which has been your favorite job/project so far?
3. Did you ever have a mentor who guided your career?
4. What’s your biggest professional win?
5. Do you have any regrets related to your career?

Questions About the World

1. What’s one way the world is better now than when you were growing up?
2. What’s something you miss from “the old days”?
3. Are there any changes in society or technology that still blow your mind?
4. What was considered “normal” when you were younger that would be shocking now?
5. What’s something about today’s generation you admire?
6. What’s something about the modern world you just don’t understand?
7. What world events shaped your generation’s way of thinking?
8. What worries you most about the direction the world is heading?
9. What gives you hope for the future?
10. Have you ever experienced culture shock?

Questions About You

1. When did you find out you were having me?
2. What do you remember most about the day I was born?
3. How did you choose my name?
4. What was your first impression of me as a baby?
5. What’s your favorite memory of me?
6. What were some of your hardest moments as a parent?
7. What was the most rewarding part of parenthood for you?
8. Does my birthday bring back any special memories for you?
9. Was there ever a moment you looked at me and thought, “Wow, they’ve really grown up”?
10. What were your hopes and dreams for me when I was growing up?

Questions About Their Legacy

1. What do you want people to remember about you?
2. What’s something you hope I carry forward in life?
3. What would you like to tell future generations of our family?
4. What are you most proud of?
5. What’s one change you still want to make in the world?

Why It’s Important to See Our Parents as People

Seeing our parents as people—not just as providers, protectors, or rule-makers—is important for many reasons:

• Creates connection: You can’t truly connect with someone you only see in a single role. When you ask your parents about their passions, friendships, regrets, and dreams, you open the door to deeper conversations.
• Enriches our identity: Our parents play a significant role in our history. By understanding their individual journeys, we gain a deeper insight into our roots, cultural heritage, and identity. It can help us understand why we are the way we are, both good and bad, and provide a framework for our personal growth. “Gaining insight into our parents’ inner lives enriches our sense of identity and provides valuable perspective on the intergenerational threads that shape us,” says Dr. Lester.
• Promotes emotional maturity: From a psychological perspective, recognizing our parents as individuals—with their own histories, struggles, dreams, and flaws—is a key milestone in emotional development and self-awareness, says Dr. Lester. “Seeing our parents as people rather than idealized caretakers or flawed authority figures allows us to move from a childlike perspective to a more nuanced, adult understanding of human relationships. It is an essential part of emotional maturity.”
• Fosters understanding: When we recognize that our parents have their own stressors, insecurities, and past traumas, it becomes easier to understand why they are the way they are. We begin to understand that their choices and parenting styles often stem from their own life experiences, upbringing, and the societal pressures they faced. 
• Heals resentment: Many of us carry emotional wounds, unmet needs, or frustrations rooted in childhood, says Dr. Lester. “Understanding our parents’ limitations in the context of their own lives can reduce resentment, support forgiveness, and create space for healing.”
• Adds perspective: Learning about our parents’ experiences—what they feared, what they regretted, what they hoped for—can give us context for our own decisions and growth. Their stories might mirror our own in ways we never expected.
• Mitigates intergenerational trauma: Unacknowledged experiences and emotional patterns can be passed down through generations. By understanding our parents’ pasts, we can identify these patterns of intergenerational trauma and consciously choose to address them, preventing them from perpetuating in our own lives and relationships.

Takeaways

At the end of the day, our parents are complex people with entire lives, dreams, and stories that existed before we ever entered the picture. We don’t always get the chance—or take the time—to really know them beyond their parental roles. 

But when we ask, we open the door to deeper connection and unexpected stories. Every question is a chance to uncover something new—not just about our parents, but about ourselves, our family, and the history that shaped us.