Jess vividly remembers being 13 years old and hearing her newborn brother crying in her parents’ room next door. It was the middle of the night, and she had school the next morning, but couldn’t get back to sleep because of the crying. And so, she wakes up and walks to her parents’ room to soothe him. She grabs him from his crib, feeds him a bottle, and rocks him to sleep as her parents slept beside them. She was so tired that she slept in her parents’ room that night, too.

Jess, the oldest of three siblings, grew up in a household where her parents were constantly arguing, and she often had to act as a mediator in their screaming matches. They would rely on her for emotional support during these moments. In addition to leaning on her emotionally, Jess’s parents also heavily depended on her physically, as a caretaker for her siblings, as her father worked full-time and her mother was physically unavailable.

To understand what it means to be a parentified daughter and the mental health implications of parentification, I recruited two mental health and parenting experts. Here’s everything you ever wanted to know about parentification, plus some healing strategies to move forward if you or someone you know has been parentified. 

Understanding Parentification

“Parentification occurs when a child is placed in a caregiving role that’s developmentally inappropriate—whether physically, emotionally, or both,” says Robyn Koslowitz, PhD, a clinical child psychologist and author of “Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle and Become the Parent You Always Wanted to Be.” It’s a kind of role reversal where the child manages the parent’s needs rather than the other way around because the parent won’t or can’t take on the role of caretaker, adds Los Angeles-based marriage and family therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. 

There are two kinds of parentification: instrumental and emotional.

• Instrumental parentification describes the child taking on physical or logistical caregiving tasks—i.e., cooking dinner and getting the younger siblings ready for school, says Koslowitz.
• Emotional parentification, on the other hand, describes the child providing psychological support to the parent, acting as a sort of peacekeeper or therapist, she adds.

Signs of a Parentified Daughter

While all genders experience parentification, it’s a phenomenon that happens mostly to young women due to cultural expectations and conditioning, say the experts.

In many families, emotional and instrumental labor tends to land on daughters as girls are often socialized to be caretakers, says Groskopf. “Not because they’re naturally better at it—but because they’re taught early on that being helpful, selfless, and emotionally aware is what makes them ‘good.’” In families marked by trauma, dysfunction, and instability, this burden is magnified, adds Koslowitz, with young girls often sensing that being the helper earns them safety or love. 

With that in mind, here are some common symptoms of parentification in parentified daughters to look out for: 

Overly Calm and Mature Persona

A parentified child often appears mature and emotionally steady, but those traits are often rooted in chronic over-adaptation rather than stability, says Groskopf. They learn early to monitor their environment, track the emotional states of others, and adjust their behavior accordingly, which can lead to them becoming conflict-avoidant and self-silencing, Groskopf explains. 

Parentified daughters are often praised for being “wise beyond their years,” adds Koslowitz. “But that’s not a compliment—it’s a warning sign. Trauma has a greenhouse effect: it accelerates emotional growth artificially, which may look like maturity, but leaves behind deep fragility.”

Defaulting to “Mom Friend” Mode

“These daughters often become high-achieving, overly responsible, and hyper-empathetic adults who default to caregiving in all relationships,” says Koslowitz. 

The parentified daughter is the go-to person in their friend groups and workplace, but inside they may struggle with anxiety, burnout, resentment, and “a haunting fear that if they stop caregiving, everything will fall apart,” Koslowitz adds. They might also mistake caretaking with connection, says Groskopf. If they’re not caring for the other person emotionally or physically, they might sense they’re not needed, and thus the friendship isn’t real. 

Perfectionism

Parentified daughters may notice that taking care of things helps “keep the peace” in their home life. In adolescence and adulthood, this might manifest as perfectionism when it comes to caregiving duties, but also in all other areas of their life. “If everything is done exactly right—the house is clean, the list is checked off, everyone’s taken care of—then maybe no one will get mad, nothing will fall apart, and they won’t be blamed,” says Groskopf. 

People-pleasing

Parentified daughters are taught to put everyone else’s needs before their own and be agreeable, and this might develop into associating safety with pleasing people. In their mind, if they just keep those around them happy, they can secure their love and friendship.

Difficulty Asking for Help

They’re used to being the one who shows up for everyone else, so relying on others in times of need may feel foreign, or even unsafe, says Groskopf.

Guilt Around Expressing Their Needs

Because they always had to put others’ needs before their own growing up, parentified daughters may grow to feel that their needs are a burden, says Groskopf. “They often feel selfish or dramatic when they express their own needs,” because they weren’t allowed to growing up. 

Causes of Parentification

There are several reasons why parents may engage in parentification, either intentionally or unintentionally. At times, it’s born out of logistical necessity. For example, a child might be the only English speaker in an immigrant family or they might be an older sibling in a household where a parent is terminally ill or recently widowed, says Koslowitz. “In these cases, the child is pulled into a caregiving role to help the family function.”

At other times, parentification is born out of emotional immaturity or unavailability on the parent’s part. “When a caregiver is too overwhelmed, too shut down, or just unequipped to handle adult life, the child unconsciously gets recruited to fill the gaps,” says Groskopf. For this reason, you might observe emotional parentification in many families navigating illness, addiction, divorce, or financial stress. 

Parentified Daughter vs. Eldest Daughter Syndrome

As research shows that the eldest child in families is more prone to being parentified, it’s easy to associate being a parentified daughter with eldest daughter syndrome—a term that describes the unique responsibilities and pressures of the oldest daughter in a family—but the two phenomena aren’t mutually exclusive. 

“Parentification is a specific trauma-based pattern where the child is forced to parent,” says Koslowitz. Eldest daughter syndrome, on the other hand, is broader and can include acting as a role model for younger siblings and being an organizer in healthy family dynamics, she explains. “Not all eldest daughters are parentified, but many parentified daughters are eldest daughters.”

While the eldest daughter may have more responsibilities than her younger siblings, in the case of eldest daughter syndrome, the parent still holds the parent role, says Groskopf. “The child may carry more than they should, but the basic structure of the relationship is intact.”

“If the daughter is genuinely empowered and supported, that’s not parentification,” adds Koslowitz. “But if she’s taking on adult roles to regulate the emotions of unstable caregivers, that’s parentification—and the psychological cost is significant.”

Mental Health Impact of Parentification

The problem with being expected to take on adult responsibilities as a child is that it creates a container for hypervigilance and internalized pressure, always having to anticipate a parent’s needs, explains Groskopf. In the long term, this can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, burnout, codependency, and emotional exhaustion.

In addition to the emotional consequences of parentification, research shows that parentified children exhibit higher instances of drug use and addiction, under- and unemployment, poor physical health, and lower educational attainment. Not to mention, young people who are parentified are also more prone to developing unhealthy attachments.

Some other mental health consequences of parentification, according to the experts, include: 

For parentified children, their nervous system stays locked in performance mode, Groskopf explains. So that even in adulthood, rest can feel unsafe, receiving support might register as weakness, and closeness without caretaking can often feel unfamiliar or unearned, she adds. 

How Parentification Affects Relationships

If you don’t get to experience being cared for as a child without strings attached, later in life, emotional intimacy might feel unsafe and breed resentment, says Groskopf.

Moreover, asking for support from a partner might feel impossible, Groskopf adds. “You might fear burdening others with your pain, because you learned that pain is contagious and kids should absorb it, not share it,” says Koslowitz. As a result, “emotional labor becomes default,” says Groskopf.

Parentified daughters might find themselves taking responsibility for other people’s moods and needs, avoiding conflict like it’s dangerous, or shutting down their own needs if things feel too heavy, she adds. Support may feel one-sided because you’re taking on all of your partner’s emotional needs, but have nowhere to unload your own, and that’s when those feelings of resentment come in.

In addition to other healing strategies (more on that next), a large part of recovering from being a parentified daughter is unlearning the myth that your feelings and physical needs are too heavy for others to bear, and being willing to open up to friends and partners. 

Strategies for Coping and Healing

First things first, if you’ve experienced parentification and are struggling to re-shape your mindset and find healthy coping mechanisms, know you’re not broken—you’re simply well-rehearsed, affirms Koslowitz. “You can choose a new script.”

Ahead, some strategies for healing and changing the script: 

Name Your Trauma

Begin by identifying the survival strategy your mind runs on, says Koslowitz. For some, that might be perfectionism, while for others it might be people-pleasing. “Awareness is the first step to reclaiming your agency,” says Koslowitz.

Accept Help Without a Return Policy

“When someone offers support or kindness, allow it without minimizing, explaining, or offering something in return,” advises Groskopf.

Reclaim Your Emotional Container

If you want to experience reciprocal intimacy as an adult, it’s important to stop serving as a container solely for your parents, says Koslowitz. It might be easier said than done, but you deserve to reserve emotional space for yourself.

A trusted therapist can guide you through identifying your needs, being more emotionally vulnerable with a partner, and releasing guilt or shame for wanting to be taken care of. 

Pause Before Stepping in to Help

“When you notice the urge to fix something or take care of someone, stop and ask if it’s actually your responsibility,” says Groskopf. Is this an issue a friend can resolve on their own with simply some words of advice? If so, there’s no need to go above and beyond, especially since parenting your friend is not your role. 

When you do decline a request or set limits with a loved one, learn how to say “no” without over-explaining yourself or apologizing, Groskopf adds. It’s OK to prioritize yourself—that’s not something you should apologize for. 

Redraw Your Relationships

Ask yourself: Where am I the fixer in this relationship? In what ways may I be parenting my friends or partner? 

Take note of how you might be overextending yourself in a relationship and ignoring your own needs. “You don’t have to leave these relationships—but you do have to stop over-functioning in them,” says Koslowitz. 

Let Your Inner Child Play

“If you never got to be a child, create those experiences now,” says Koslowitz. Sign up for ballet or join your local soccer club because you never got the chance to partake in an extracurricular activity when you were younger because you were too busy taking on adult responsibilities.

“Make joy non-negotiable,” advises Koslowitz. “Healing doesn’t only come through processing pain. It also comes from choosing delight.”

Final Thoughts

Thanks to seven years of therapy and a supportive partner, Jess was able to dismantle many of the harmful traits she developed as a result of being parentified, like putting others before herself and being angry or even turned off by a partner’s needs. “I enjoy taking care of my partner now because he takes care of me,” she says. And although she felt a lot of guilt around being taken care of by her partner and felt she needed to repay him tenfold, he taught her that it’s OK to accept care and she doesn’t owe him kindness or favors for loving her in the way she needs. 

While Jess still worries about her parents and offers herself as a resource to her siblings from time to time, she has learned to reclaim her time, joy, and the childhood she deserved by living for herself and not anyone else.